Friday, March 4, 2011

No curtain call.

This may be the one we've been waiting for,
no curtain call
just take it all.

I'm....falling apart.

Friday, December 10, 2010

BOYFRI--

(all names are excluded because one day if they find this and then they'll be like wtf man!)

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WANT TO WRITE THIS
but its i suppose new. not important or anything
IN RESPONSE TO TheExitChan: Cuddle Weather
I'll talk a tinnny bit about that whole -boyfriend- situation.

I've never had a real um. boyfriend. a few things that could be considered by others maybe, but not to me. Crush on a guy in 1st grade, crush on a guy in 5th grade, 9th grade I "dated" guy w for about a day and decided it was just too weird for me.
It was. just really weird. I did like him (mildly not so much for his need to flirt with everygirl), but me saying no to it was because I didnt get that whole, how do things work as BF and GF. I also lacked to have those, well, feeling things? Which tends to be a problem when you HAVE TO HAVE THEM.

In tenth grade, I was asked to go see a very nice game music concert, which I was under the impression when i said yes, was a group thing. guy D had also asked my friend to go, but he couldnt. Only a day or two beforehand, was it, a date. so i decided, well fine, might as well. whatever. so guy D i guess, maybe? took this way too seriously, and one statue later he was telling everybody we were BF and GF. I didnt really like him like that, and i also couldnt stick with it, because he was kind of elitist to me, and it was annoying. eventually, I broke it off. and then he called my house, said he missed me...tried to corner me in the hallway and talk to me when i was NOT interested... just.... >.>

I think the first time I started paying attention to all this BF GF stuff was with friend/guy C. everybody knows THIS story. guy C liked my friend "miss E" if you will, and I got to hear all his RAMBLINGS and crap. My car was some safe haven where he would tell me stuff and I would be like C'MON I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMOREEE

But it also made me wonder if I was missing something. like. this is how he ACTUALLY feels for her? that's so strange. I mean. I've read some fanfiction (NARUSAKUUU) and maybe a little romance here there, but that's not REAL. I don't feel it, I don't understand it. when i was younger, it was like this, ohmygodicantlooktheyregoingtokiss *turnsaway*

I did come to understand it, and when I did, I started realizing what i actually wanted in someone. I for sure cant have anyone trying to do everything for me. MISS INDEPENDENT. lol. but on that note, for as much as I want to be independent, I want to depend on someone. depend on you depend on me. While I say I'd like to have a link (or a zack), who doesn't, I could settle with normality. its allright. I'd rather be more comfortable around someones looks actually, then be like. ohmahgodthisguy he be so hawt I can't be around him 'cuz he so hawt

-I'm having wayyy too much fun writing this guys LOL-

So I realized that after a year or more of LISTENING to friend guy C, >.> i came to like him myself. This is such a hard thing to talk about, because its so problematic. I started actually realizing, Those things he was talking about? Ewww i felt those things.
I HAD FEELINGS. EW.
And this was the point where for whatever reason, guy C decided he DIDNT want to deal with me, talk to me anymore. We had been friends to the point where I feel. like the difference between bf and gf and friends, was a label. I had what I was looking for. dependablity, and normalcy. I kind of, wanted to know what happened when there WAS the label added.
but anyway
Guy C decided he wanted to be a douche to round out the end of my friendship with him. which is saddening. and of course I never really got the chance to try a chance at something REAL, not these crushes or stalks or stupidities. -.- and it ended in a stupidity.

So am i looking for someone? of course i am. jeez. but. sadly it'll prolly be a long time from now till a someone actually happens. for now i got peter the chulupa, I got mah AKE and my ashly, and I'm okay with that.