Friday, March 4, 2011

No curtain call.

This may be the one we've been waiting for,
no curtain call
just take it all.

I'm....falling apart.

Friday, December 10, 2010


(all names are excluded because one day if they find this and then they'll be like wtf man!)

but its i suppose new. not important or anything
IN RESPONSE TO TheExitChan: Cuddle Weather
I'll talk a tinnny bit about that whole -boyfriend- situation.

I've never had a real um. boyfriend. a few things that could be considered by others maybe, but not to me. Crush on a guy in 1st grade, crush on a guy in 5th grade, 9th grade I "dated" guy w for about a day and decided it was just too weird for me.
It was. just really weird. I did like him (mildly not so much for his need to flirt with everygirl), but me saying no to it was because I didnt get that whole, how do things work as BF and GF. I also lacked to have those, well, feeling things? Which tends to be a problem when you HAVE TO HAVE THEM.

In tenth grade, I was asked to go see a very nice game music concert, which I was under the impression when i said yes, was a group thing. guy D had also asked my friend to go, but he couldnt. Only a day or two beforehand, was it, a date. so i decided, well fine, might as well. whatever. so guy D i guess, maybe? took this way too seriously, and one statue later he was telling everybody we were BF and GF. I didnt really like him like that, and i also couldnt stick with it, because he was kind of elitist to me, and it was annoying. eventually, I broke it off. and then he called my house, said he missed me...tried to corner me in the hallway and talk to me when i was NOT interested... just.... >.>

I think the first time I started paying attention to all this BF GF stuff was with friend/guy C. everybody knows THIS story. guy C liked my friend "miss E" if you will, and I got to hear all his RAMBLINGS and crap. My car was some safe haven where he would tell me stuff and I would be like C'MON I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT ANYMOREEE

But it also made me wonder if I was missing something. like. this is how he ACTUALLY feels for her? that's so strange. I mean. I've read some fanfiction (NARUSAKUUU) and maybe a little romance here there, but that's not REAL. I don't feel it, I don't understand it. when i was younger, it was like this, ohmygodicantlooktheyregoingtokiss *turnsaway*

I did come to understand it, and when I did, I started realizing what i actually wanted in someone. I for sure cant have anyone trying to do everything for me. MISS INDEPENDENT. lol. but on that note, for as much as I want to be independent, I want to depend on someone. depend on you depend on me. While I say I'd like to have a link (or a zack), who doesn't, I could settle with normality. its allright. I'd rather be more comfortable around someones looks actually, then be like. ohmahgodthisguy he be so hawt I can't be around him 'cuz he so hawt

-I'm having wayyy too much fun writing this guys LOL-

So I realized that after a year or more of LISTENING to friend guy C, >.> i came to like him myself. This is such a hard thing to talk about, because its so problematic. I started actually realizing, Those things he was talking about? Ewww i felt those things.
And this was the point where for whatever reason, guy C decided he DIDNT want to deal with me, talk to me anymore. We had been friends to the point where I feel. like the difference between bf and gf and friends, was a label. I had what I was looking for. dependablity, and normalcy. I kind of, wanted to know what happened when there WAS the label added.
but anyway
Guy C decided he wanted to be a douche to round out the end of my friendship with him. which is saddening. and of course I never really got the chance to try a chance at something REAL, not these crushes or stalks or stupidities. -.- and it ended in a stupidity.

So am i looking for someone? of course i am. jeez. but. sadly it'll prolly be a long time from now till a someone actually happens. for now i got peter the chulupa, I got mah AKE and my ashly, and I'm okay with that.