According to mal its officially CONFESSION MAY!~
So what a better way to start off a new blog with, yes, confessions (more like random facts I haven't stated a million times to you guys)
SO!!! Here I go.
-I LOVE CENTAURS. :D I dunno, this fact randomly occurred to me when I SQUEE WHEN I HEAR OR SEE OR DRAW ONE. That's sort of weird. Even for me.
-I like to feel pretty when I have to. Other times I'm like "eh. Effort = Time and I don't have tiem" so yeah. ><
-DESPITE WHAT MANY BELIEVE, I DO DRAW THINGS OTHER THAN POKEMON. I just don't show you it because then you'd try to compare it to your own works and ideas. (lookin @ you portfolio people), and frankly, my stuff doesn't have a CONCEPT, it has a STORY. Concept is incredibly fail because I always try to put or end up finding my unconscious meaning to my own work. At least with pokemon, youre gonna tell me I drew it well BECAUSE I executed /drew/colored it well. Not weighing what it means when one day, you probably wont know what the artists works meant cuz you wont be able to ask them.
-I don't like change. I know ive said this before. But I have to reiterate it. This is why im so damn hard to deal with when it comes to friendships. Sorry guys. You gotta trick me into changing, because im actually very good at it, I just don't like the idea of it.
-I HATE **** and ****. These people don't exist of course, because I don't really hate anyone, just mildly dislike. And you can sway me pretty easily (unless you harm my friends, or insult what I believe countless times.)
-I own giant boxes of makeup. I just don't use them X\
Once again those are sort of random facts I just don't know what else to do with. Maybe if you read it you might understand some underlying issues I'm about to write here. I've waited quite the while to write another blog, not that I wasn't up to it, but mainly because my emotions affect my writing. But, im giving it a shot to try to help you understand me a little better, as it's a reflection of this year for me.
I have not had a good year. Of my many years in school, I consider 4th 6th, 8th, and 10th to be great years. Note how these came in twos. This was my 11th year, so I guess we could expect this wasn't so hot for me. But more than normal. In 9th I had issues with others, minorly, but many a time it wasn't them it was my failure to compromise that created issue. This year however, I don't know what to think. Lets start schoolwise. I passed all my classes this year. All my hard classes. The APS. The ones I tried my very best in to show others that I wasn't just a loudmouth dolt who says and does stupid stuff to make others laugh. I THOUGHT, that if I tried hard enough, I would gain their respect. I guess I was wrong. When it seemed I was trying my hardest, the ones who I was trying to impress went the opposite, well, in this way, didn't show to me what I remember them by. I remember and respect VERY many people for their commitment to me as a person and their intelligence level. And it bothers me so when I see people I know and would give anything to help them with try so little, and yet are (as I will understate myself for the sake of this) smarter than i. So, this general ordeal of doing this to prove myself to others ended, and I tried to prove that I was smart to myself. NOW. I may not get As. Or Bs. But let me tell you I knew what I was talking about. Mom would go "why the hell are you making a 70 in apush and you noticed all these politics and crap before me and I'm the one watching it?!" I don't know. The first half of the year was very up and down. I thought I was moving away from one person while growing closer to another. Then the second half, something happened and those people switched. I don't know whether to be grateful that the one who showed me their colors showed me in time for my decision, or saddened that I no longer feel the same way about that person in the second half of the year.
Lets try to keep up with me shall we? My notions of a friendship, I shall quote from an I'm I had with someone. Because this is the closest I've gotten to ACTUALLY writing what I wanted to say. Wonder if the one I knew whom I was writing to figured that what I had typed was something I said out loud to myself so many times I memorized it, well the unyelled version -__- Secondarily, this was during a very very very not good time, I was very snappy to people, and probably still am but not as much. But its quite important.
khff7gamer (6:27:30 PM):i was sick that day, cant remember why, i think i just felt like utter crap and yeah. so i slept all day. and cried all night.
khff7gamer (6:28:22 PM):yes, you see i do have tearducts but normally they're used in silly ways such as watching sad anime moments.
khff7gamer (6:28:38 PM):but no. that i night i started reminescing about 8th grade, something i considered my golden year. i was president of art club, i had alot of friends and i formed the organization, in hopes that things in the past wouldnt be repeated. ive told you this before, but most of my 'best friends' moved away within the two to three years i knew them, or i changed schools only in 8th did i try to create bonds with people whom i could hope that we would be very good friends for as long as we would know each other. in 9th grade, i guess i have to admit i disliked [a person]. i found [this person] pressing a breaking bond against wat i had hoped to build, an order not for my own sake but i wished for others to forge friendships within that too. certain people didnt like [a good friend of mine] and so, i couldnt push [him] as a friend to you guys and he and i went our separate directions, hoping i could find good bonds within my friends in 9th. safe to put it, these last couple weeks, month or two now, even more so, break everything i remember trying to be. I'm not the president of anything, and im not the most popular, thats a given. but i believed that the people i made friends with would stand by me. how naive. ive learned im a very controlling person. but ive also learned that my feelings are hurt quite easily, so easily in fact they get hurt far more than anyone can imagine, due to the very good facades i put on each day.
If you didn't read It, essentially I try to be very close to my friends. This was why my main four was created, to two whom I consider best friends here, and two whom I consider best friends far away. Its hard. I cant tell them of the shitty or great test I aced/failed beyond "I did a very good/bad job." Or "I did good enuff on the compass test to get into hcc!!" but, as I'll quote from the movie you've got mail, watched it the other day all the way through, the silly things we talk about, naruto, pokemon, soda, colors, hair, and all the crack we have, nowadays "[their] nothing has meant more to me than any amount of somethings." Because I get out of them what I try to give. They can make me laugh. It can be raining, pouring, ive got 3 projects to do and a quiz tomorrow, and they can get me to laugh so hard just by wrapping my towel in my hair and hold up a bottle of water and come up with "osama ozarka". Its something I try to do with the real people in my life, because for a long time I believed its all I've got.
THE BEST PART OF LIFE, FOR ME, is laughter. For me to see ANYONE laugh at what I say, whether in their mind they go that's funny! Or god shes being so stupid XD I embrace it. Im probably more happy than they are at that point because I knew I was able to make them laugh. Its extremely rewarding to me. And when for a time those I considered close wouldn't laugh, mind even talking or making time (or yknow, adding me to a group -__- ), I lost myself. I became very passive, and angry. This is not the reflection of what's gone on now, I've been able to reforge one bond I thought and began to believe I lost because of something., And the hardest part of all of this is I didn't know the issue.
I complain when I have a problem, but more often than not, others don't voice their issues with me. You think I'm perfect or something? I don't hear "god kate your so bitchy you should stop" or something. Only subtly, did I pick up on that when I debate, I debate hard and this made others angry, which I had no intention to do. And that's a hard thing to fix, because it goes against my sort of overall motto, "I can be wrong about a fact, not an opinion." I tried very hard to be less….difficult, but somehow this only led to the quiet confines of my mind being spoken to. And even when those who weren't as close to me, which I'm lucky to have BECAUSE as I originally didn't expect the empathy from them because I considered them "lesser friends" (in amount of time spent together), told me wise words not to bottle things up, I can't at some point seem to say what I want to say FOR SEVERAL WEEKS to people. Maybe they don't listen. Maybe they don't want to listen. Or, maybe they just don't understand.
I was once told that someone had a better friendship with me than another because of the time spent together. And I acknowledged those words. But in truth, it's the way people adapt to one another that make good friendships. My outer main four sometimes have a better friendship with me because they do not base me (as I do not base them) on a scale with their "real" friends. But more often than not, it's the way we've typed so much that we can see how we'd react to the things we talk about. Spending time, I thought, was a large portion of it. Those whom I take home I've noticed I've become during that time better friends with. Classmates, and those I have the same periods with essentially should have a larger bond with me than people who are not. But under some pretense to I believe that my true main four no matter WHAT OR WHAT NOT classes we have we can share time together. Currently its with 3 out of 4 people I've felt this way. The middle of the year, it was 2 out of 4. Two, very very very far from me. So its not like I could jump in my car and run to their house and play rock band and make it better. Rather, I was trying to figure out who to do that with here, when those whom I believed I could do that with were my own issues.
Sometimes I believe it's my fault, how I ask people to change for me when I don't deserve it. Somewhere in my mind, I assume, I believe that I do deserve it and so I got angry. That the things I do for them are large but I only ask their friendship. Because, like I said, I would take or give a punch to anyone whom screws with my friends. That punch would hurt like SHIT. But I'd know my friends were okay. Like how I (foolheartedly) expect people to I'm me "are you okay?" when I'm sick, because I try to do the same myself.
So essentially I've learned this year, that a friendship is a give and take process. For people to be good friends, they have to assert their feelings to one and ask the hard questions to the other. Both must be willing to change if they believe that their friendship means enough to them to work. For me, I hate losing anyone, so for a long while this year, I would remember certain people as their younger selves, such as 10th or 8th grade selves, because it helped me remember who they were. But at the same time, I got to noticing how much they've changed, and how much I have/haven't changed.
I like who I am. Even if im not in 8th grade glory, I Still have friends. And hopefully, they can understand that I'm not trying to be the way I am to be distasteful to the way they've change, I just AM.
Portfolio artist I am. Whether you peeps like it or not.
I'm gonna go and call myself the best marker artist I know, because I AM the best marker artist I know. I'm gonna even go out on a limb and say I'm the best photoshop COLORER I know. I'm not the best photoshop utilize in our class, mainly because of my morals in cheating (wat the HELL IS A VECTOR DRAW IT YOURSELVES IM SORRY BUT LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU GIVE PHOTOSHOP A BAD NAME D:<), okay real quick in elaborating here, im not against the idea of tracing. I'm against the idea where you took a photo and decided "lets demoralize the work of traditional portrait artists by tracing over colors :D " because I mean seriously, you take a photo, and you DE-Detail it, and call it art. With photoshop imo, you take your work, scan it, trace and line your lines, and then you cram as much detail you can that someone traditionally couldn't. That's my opinion of a real photoshop artist.
This would be an example of me thinking "why didn't you just take the picture?" vector http://troostar.deviantart.com/art/Second-Vector-60693501 original http://ahrum-stock.deviantart.com/art/Insomnia-Insanity-41-50699407 because it seriously is like saying "look I can do photoshop!" Vectoring is to teach you how to do this.
http://sickbynature.deviantart.com/art/tamashii-no-kagami-99548014
THAT is how you use photoshop if you were to make people. Sure there's not like 500000 shades, but you KNOW that's a woman, and looks like a woman, and mother trucker that's a cool picture (check out his work, Alberto is an awesome artist, narusaku or not I watch him for both.)
I cant do people. Or maybe I don't want to do people. I don't know, but either way ive dedicated myself to the idea of figuring out how to cartoon. IF I cant get a video game job, of any sort, im going to change the world of cartooning at the moment in time. The stuff we lived on, created artists like us, doesn't exist at the moment. Theres no dexter, no ppg, not even fosters anymore, which was the largest innovation of animation in our decade, where they used FLASH rather than every frame. Now theres flapjack…and still spongebob…and nothing exists on Disney besides live action (not that im complaining, phenias and ferb got old quick). These Canadian shows, because I believe theyre easier for US to liscense has invaded. While I LOVE 6teen because it was something im nostalgia about in 7th-8th grade, I don't like many other CN works because there isn't that flair, that even when your not a good artist, your STILL trying to draw them. So overall, I have to probably make a portfolio not based on my realism, but my cartoonism.
I draw every single day. All day. Only to stop when I'm distracted by other things, and usually its drawing. XD due to this drawing obsession many have noticed my amount of monsters as opposed to characters. Believe me I love my characters. I just…quite..am not very good at designing them to be appealing D: my way of drawing a unique person is to move a sash somewhere else. According to my mom im good at monsters and backgrounds, and I want to go into video games so these should be the ideas I focus on. To show some people that im not entirely, shall we say, a mono-drawer (pokemon hype ftw.), I will show you a small list of ORIGINAL ideas I've created, but haven't figured what to do with them. They're MY ideas. Not anyone elses, and im putting them up here to show you for the sake of showing I have concept when its not pokemon. :\
Here they are:
Gaming: Game Over- several 'angels' in the clouds, and gods hand pushes one down to resume the life of the lost man, while real angels go and clean up his mess (think dying in dig dug or pacman and theres this hand that drops your other life in the spot where you died.)
Enter quarter to continue- someone who looks like ryu and is about to smash the other guys face in (your climax) and then the game wants you to pay to get your final hit, so you have to insert another quarter to continue. It goes on the idea of paid-for downloadable content, and how many things that is already in the games disc you have to pay for. Like soul caliber costumes or RE:5 multiplayer ><
Genrecontrols - a controller outfitted with gear for the shooter or fantasy or racing genre used in real life. (think military using a ps3 controller outfitted with yknow, real gun stuff.)
Monster Overture- a traditional classic song in which each note of the song is dependent based upon its level of tone (deep or high) and shows a monster above. e.g. a scary monster for a deep note and a happy monster for a high note. Theres a song that I don't remember the name to, and its like starts off slow and gets faster and such, like someone running from a monster, that's sort of the idea.
Fight for the world: a gaming cabinet where an american (and americas Vgame arcade customs) and a japanese player battle. After Reading arcade mania! I realized how very different our arcadeness is, when someone beats pac-man In America or SF4 it's a feat, in japan according to their super duper players, other people don't crowd around and watch someone play, because winning is a normal part of games. So on one side you've got your American crowd and sodas and food and stuff, and on the other side you've got ONE Japanese guy no older than 30 with a bottle of water maybe.
Non-gaming:
Avoidance: a man trying to keep his eyes closed while a flashlight shines on him straight in the face. Its sposed to symbolize things that would be easier to face *such as the light* rather than try to avoid them (the light) This was actually inspired by a person rather than an idea.
The bread is my body, the wine is my blood: Jesus either laying on a conveyor belt as his body (like his leg) becomes the communion bread, and an iv stuck in his arm where the blood becomes wine. Think about a small child trying to figure out why jesus has so much bread to go around, hes got at least enough to feed their church once a month, he must pump it out in factories or something.
Connecting the dots: many words stuck together with dots and numbers around them saying that:
"Every piece of literature has a pattern, only when you read ENOUGH." Inspired by, none other than, how to read literature like a professor, the mans analogy of understanding that a piece of literature isn't original is due to it having a pattern that only someone who has done enough reading, or connecting the dots, can automatically see.
This is just a little bit.
Anyways. I'd like to thank Malymar, and Akarine, just for being awesome. :] oh and making CONFESSIONS MAY MALYMAR D:< its your faulllt.
